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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dark Habits

For about four consecutive days last week, my body was on what I too generously deemed a natural high. This, thankfully, was nothing a good 15 hour schluff couldn't counteract on Sunday because I seem to be much better...

My condition, as I famously called it, was like being on some sort of lab-made drug, a codeinesque meltiness overcame my limbs and mouth. It was like the time I did shrooms, but with no shameful admission to mother in the fearful horizon. I felt like Edvard Munch's Scream figure, but not as horrific- just confused. I googled "i feel like im on acid but im not" on Friday afternoon. At this point it was Day 4 of the "trip". I learned it could either be due to anxiety, lack of sleep, ADHD, being over-caffeinated or alcohol. I didn't know where to start. Working on any one of those areas is challenging, combating all four simultaneously is more paralyzing than my condition itself, so I couldn't bring myself to undo the damage at first, which created more anxiety and restlessness! This is where I stopped. Relaxed. Thought: "One thing at a time."

First things first, more rest and no booze whatsoever. I don't drink too much these days, but even when I do it feels like too much in comparison to the scant sleep and long workdays. We all forget to weigh things against each other sometimes. Like I said, I ended up just sleeping all Sunday in an effort to reset my body. A random on MacDougal told me "it happens to him all the time," since he works night shifts at a restaurant, and continued on to warn that "Two things can happen- a) you can slip into a sort of insanity and lose a grip on your faculties and nervous system, or b) Start perceiving reality with hyperawareness and become addicted to the state." I'm almost certain there's an option C , overcome the condition by rehabilitating your body, and I'm also almost certain I remember dreadlocks on this guy, so...

My questions remain: Why am I so out of control with this stuff? Why am I (what some might call) abusing my body?

Simply- there's too much fun stuff to do! After a long, long work day, I need a buffer before going to bed. I need to transition into resting mode and sometimes I feel I'm missing out. I mean, had I gone straight home after a stressful work day yesterday I wouldn't have experienced these musical wonders.

Or I wouldn't be able to watch fun movies...

Or read wonderful books, or prepare new patterns...

Then again at other times, as equally as I become overactive, I get completely bored. Why such extremes? Perhaps too tired to put major effort into stuff from the overactive chunks? What's holding me back? I don't want to suffer for it in the long run though so I am going to make steps now to kill some of the destructive tendencies. Like Yolanda in Dark Habits, sometimes you discover no matter where you turn everybody has their sins, their vices, their little secrets... More importantly, you cannot ignore the root of those problems. You have to look inward and change difficult things in order to regain control. Well we're back at square one, because usually that looking inward part is the most demanding bit of it all! Oy vay voy...

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I'm an LA transplant now living in Brooklyn. I develop film projects by day, write at night, and have a dangerous predilection for vintage Robinson Golluber scarves- this blog serves as a tiny window to everything else I do when I'm not satisfying those first three passions. I'm trying to blog more and tweet less @annabelleqv. What about you?


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